get out of my blog
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: fusebox- once again
Topic: likes and dislikes
tonight i discovered life is a lot like a weblog. you share yourself with the entire world, and they respond in many ways. some just soak it in and dont let you know youve affected them or even that they acknowledge you. some are active in your life and share themselves back with you, others only stay involved in it to keep you down and ridicule you when you put your heart out on the line. i wish people like this would just stay out of it: my blog and my life. theres no room for people like this in either. on my xanga theres a little block user button where i can turn them off, they can still see into my life, but they cant respond in any way. i really wish i had one of these handy little devices in reality sometimes. erkkkk

july 4th
Mood:  celebratory
Now Playing: switchfoot
Topic: myself & my journey
as i put on my pearls and earrings, from the suave and sophisticated savers thrift store, of course, i looked at myself in the mirror and thought "i like this, so how many people arent going to today?". the question was rather appropriate, i just didnt know how deep it would actually run. . .
i went to hoot's bagels and a little owl in the window told me they were closed. so i drove to market street, accompanied by the new amsterdams, teasing me with a song of writing from california. why cant i be driving in a convertible down a sunny street in orange country right now? because im in lubbock texas, to be exact in the market street parking lot in lubbock texas, with an old woman giving me the look down, the eye roll, and walking ahead of me with a head a bit too high in the air. i keep walking in. what do i want? the bakery lady is very polite, so i take my time in deciding, and thank her with a warm smile once im done and shes handed me two cake donuts: chocolate and blueberry. i need a drink. something cold, coffeeish, and bottled by starbucks with a label that says frappuccino. i make my way into the other section of market street, and walk by two girls enthralled in subtle laughter. i turn to face them after grabbing my morning bottle of energy and am greeted with "nice necklace" with a side of sarcasm. "thanks-hold the catty compliment next time" i didnt really say that last part. i check out and see jackie, my old friend from MHS, before leaving. i wave and she says to come see her in a minute. so i partake in my donuts with a stranger and whatever was on CNN. he seemed like a nice man, the story didnt interest me however. another old gentleman walked up beside him, heard something that got his attention, and before i knew it, they were both wearing looks of outraged concern and glaring at the images of iraq on the television. oh my gosh. some people are just looking for things to get upset over in this life. i get up, throw away my trash, and run into jackie. we go on "break" together, along with a guy who goes to ben's church, i learned. i tell her me and ben are talking, she tells me her and matt arent anymore. i ask how cory is doing, she tells me of all the prospects at united. sadly, i understand this element of serious relationships all too well, while at the same time it utterly confuses me. used to, i might have held a secret disregard at her for this, but now i realize it doesnt really matter, and relate with a sentimental heart to how much its just needed, even if it may be wrong. back to the car, now dashboard confessionals has me scream/singing along with their mellow, golden-tinted tribute to summer "its summer, its summer, where all the girls bare all their shoulders, its summer, its summer, i am here to win you over. . . " then i drive out to the beach, oh wait im dreaming again. . . and you cant wear sleeveless shirts at trinity.
sometimes i wonder what im thinking, what possessed me to get into some of the situations i put myself in. in reality im still driving, in my mind im taking my cool, calm, and collected self, and walking gracefully in my tan heels and long skirt into a small closet and screaming, walking back out,and smiling like once again everything has returned to normal. church is wonderful. sunday school further broadens my wonder at Christ, deepens my views on eternity, and broadens my knowledge of this life. the sermon is excellent, all about God and country. it spurs on my passion to see this country change, once again. i really wish i could vote in this election. although i still dont know how i would. . . its about 130 and im driving in the car with my mom. we just had a bit of a brawl over my little brother, and its silent. im sitting thinking about how much i hate being right, or more so that its only the times im right when she doesnt listen to me, and a hurried mustang with a new mexico license plate blazes past and stirs up dust in my thoughts. i stare out the other window, will they ever get saved? God, i hope so. she calls him, of course, and we turn around after being halfway to the restaurant to go back and get his stubborn-behinded little self. hes never going to learn. hes one of those kids that will be living with her until hes 35, unemployed, and having no luck at online dating, and people will be wondering what went wrong. "oh rachel, can you please explain when it happened?" "of course" i will say, "it was on july 4th of 2004, when like every other day of his life, he got the best of my mother and somehow further evaded ever having to undergo the discipline that marks every other life and makes them mature human beings." "oh", they will say, and wonder at my perceptive wisdom.
logans roadhouse is my familys favorite place to eat. they love red meat. i dont. further evidence that i must be adopted. ill tolerate logans for them, but the music almost drives me up the wall, out the door, and about 50 feet down the parking lot to rockfish. i love seafood. some redneck guy singing to the beautious sound of a harmonica (pick up on the sarcasm here please)
drags me screaming and kicking back into the booth and i tell the waiter i want the appetizer combo, but with chicken, not hot wings. someone told me what buffalo wings really are the other day, and it makes me cry almost to visualize how they get them. its kind of obvious, but i hadnt thought about it before. now i wont eat them. the waiters voice is awesome. it kind of rolls with deep tones and hues of darkness that make it sound almost like a scary clown, yet i still find it warm and humorous. he seems like a nice guy. i bet he hates the music, too. the rest of the afternoon is a blur. oh wait, i remember, i retired to my backyard for sunbathing. it was nice. my senses were entertained by the sounds of music spilling out of my radio, and the sunshine making my blood rush faster than usual, and a cold towel over my face to add some relief from the tingling heat. the next few hours were a waste of time, my sweet precious time (i hate that), especially a void hour or so of watching a clique that once was full of my best friends swim around in circles and throw glances of criticism and hate at me in the dark. why must people be so unaccepting of change or differences and so full of stereotypical judgement? and why do some people think everything you do revolves around the thought of them? b/c it doesnt. it just doesnt. . . anyways it was 4th of july so my liberation came with leaving them all behind and driving towards stellar displays of light in the sky downtown. not only were there fireworks, but God put on his own show, a lightning show that stretched all across the townsky and didnt end till hours later that night. it was amazing. my friends and i were stuck in traffic leaving the fairgrounds and the bursts of color and fire and met with one of the most freeing nights ive ever experienced. we stirred up the stillness and boredom with random chinese fire drills and violent shakes of lexa's jetta and flapping the cardoors like we were a big metal bird. some ppl even joined in the fire drill part. others honked when we shook the car or just laughed. some gave us nods and signs and claps of approval. they probably thought we were drunk. oh well. towards the end of the stretching line of halted traffic we all put our feet out the windows, and kept them there with raindrops splashing and dancing on our bare toes all the way through town. it was so relaxing and peaceful and cleansing. i realized what my former friends said or thought or did didnt matter. these people mattered. they were with me, and they were crazy, and the world was gonna be okay. yellowcard infiltrated the speakers and we all joined in with the chorus to ocean avenue. life should be like a drive down ocean avenue, or maybe 82nd street on a rainy night with your best friends and your feet out the window. yeah. somethin like that.